We felt betrayed. We felt like fools. There was shame and shock.
I remember how we sank into the couches that night, the wind knocked out of our sails. We had the ipod on the worship playlist and we both fell asleep and I remember not wanting to get up from under the sound of God over us. We stayed there all night. The music soothed and healed places that words simply couldn’t.
Yesterday was a hard day on many fronts. It came after a weekend when Scott was home only to sleep and the kids had a myriad of activities. On Sunday night, my soul felt weary.
I tucked in the kids; then disappeared into my sacred writing space. (Yes, I am so ridiculously thankful for this space.) I turned on some worship music and I just sat there, turning my heart to God. I wasn’t able to do much more than just sit there in the sound, trusting God would fill me in the dry, lonely and tired places.
I’d love to say I felt better, but I didn’t. The heaviness was still there.
Around 11am I got a text from Claire to say SheLoves was down. A server issue. I emailed, messaged, called and texted the person who hosts us, but I couldn’t get ahold of her. She probably didn’t expect an emergency, because this hasn’t happened much in the last several years.
God, this is Your site, I prayed. I’m pretty sure You can handle it. Help us get back up as soon as possible.
But when time dragged on, I wondered: Perhaps this is about something more than directing traffic to the site? Perhaps this is a time out to make sure we all stopped and prayed for women in our world facing abusive situations.
You see, our story yesterday was about a woman whose husband had hired a hit man to kill her. It didn’t seem like our server issue was random. In fact, every month when we host our Stop the Silence story, we have some kind of fight on our hands.
I decided to turn the waiting and the feeling of disconnectedness into intercession for our sisters. I prayer walked and tweeted prayers. I turned all the feelings into prayers. I also asked our prayer team, our editorial team and our SheLoves community to come alongside us and pray.
The SheLovelys rallied! And I loved how we turned that moment of anguish into intercession and community.
Deborah’s* story was a very real story of abuse at its ugliest. And yet she is a story of Hope. Out of the ashes, she’s found strength to help others now.
What a valiant woman.
As soon as our site was back up, I had to walk into a particularly hard meeting that lasted the rest of the afternoon.
So, today, I am nursing a weary soul.
I had a good cry with Scott over the phone and made a cup of the strongest steeped tea. I turned on the oven and made granola. I’m writing it out. I’m making plans for the future.
Today, I am appreciating beauty.
– The three fuchsia Gerber daisies in a vase on the coffee table.
– The smell of vanilla, honey and grapeseed oil heating in the saucepan.
– An orchid at the front door.
When my soul is weary, I can’t chew on strong truths. I need simple beauty.
There are hard times, even with God, and I am gathering tools for those hard days. On those days when my own soul is too weary to even tell me what it needs.
In her book Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, Sarah Ban Breathnach says, “Life requires that we prepare ourselves for the inevitable times that try our souls. This is achieved with a comfort drawer.” It’s for those nights when all you want to do is “pull the covers over your head and never come out.” She fills it with chocolate truffles, miniature fruit cordials, her favourite homeopathic essence, luxurious magazines, bubble bath and unusual teas.
I haven’t had a comfort drawer in a while, mostly because I realize the things that fill my soul aren’t always tangibles. I need beauty, words that build strength back into my bones and kindness.
So, today I’m making a list for myself. I’ll be printing it off and keeping it in my comfort drawer, so I can pull it out for days like today.
Also (final note to self), chew on this: God renews my strength. God renews my strength. God renews my strength.
Question: What would be in your comfort drawer or on your list of remedies?
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